


Better than before

by Katspotatoe



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Evan commits suicide in the very beginning but don’t worry it doesn’t last long, I’ll try to have it as a slow burn but I’m weak so we’ll just have to see, Larry Murphy is an Asshole, M/M, Ratings may change, Slow Burn, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Treebros, We will just have to see, this is a cliche but I absolutely love it so whatever, time travel au?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-02-04 14:38:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12773154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katspotatoe/pseuds/Katspotatoe
Summary: When Evan Hansen decides to kill himself after telling the truth he expected to stay dead. Not be transported back to the first day of senior year. But if he can save Connor than maybe it’ll be worth it.





	1. Chapter 1

He had tried. He really had. Evan Hansen had tried to move past his lies and mistakes, to function like a normal person, but he couldn’t. Everyone hated him; The Murphys, Jared, Alana, even his Mom. They would all be better off without him. Their lives would be better if he was dead. He couldn’t get better, he was always going to be the freak. Connor was right. *I’m so sorry Connor. I wish I could make things right,* Evan thought. But he couldn’t, not for Connor. Maybe he could for everyone else, though. They wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore. He can just disappear, he should probably find the irony in that statement funny. He doesn’t. 

Those were the thoughts that brought Evan to be sitting on his bedroom floor, stuffing pills down his throat. He felt bad for his mom, she would have to find him like this. She would probably mourn for awhile, hopefully not too long. *She’ll be better off without me. She’ll see that eventually.* Jared wouldn’t mourn, he wouldn’t have to put up with Evan for car insurance anymore. Jared would be a lot better off without Evan. He wondered if Alana would grieve, he doubted it. After all, they had only be “acquaintances”. 

*I should write a note,* he thought absently. The pills were starting to kick in, and he was shaky, but he managed to get out a pencil and paper. 

“Dear Connor Murphy,”

He didn’t know what compelled him to write his note to Connor, but he didn’t really have time to reflect on this decision.   
thatt  
“Today is going to be a good day and here’s why. I’m going to die. I’m not gunna fuck it up like I did last time. This time I’m actually going to die. I wish it had worked the last time i tried then maybe you wouldnt have died. I’m sorry that you died, I’m sorry I didn’t help you. I wish I could go bac and fix everyting. Maybe Ill see you again once i die too Then you can yell at me and tellll me how I fuced up. You can doo tht ill just apoligize becuz i was teh 1 who mssed up. Sory. Sry youl hav 2 pay fr my funeral mom.”

He couldn’t write anymore, the pills were taking their toll. He sat the paper and pencil down, he knew the letter couldn’t look good. His hands were shaking too much, his mind was getting too fuzzy. His heart was beating far too fast. Oh god, he hoped he died quickly now. He wanted to scream, he couldn’t. He couldn’t slow down his breathing enough to get a word out, let alone a scream. 

The world was starting to get blurry now, he looked around his room. Trying to memorize every detail, since this was the last time he’d see it. He looked at the bed he was leaning against, it was a mess and he wondered if his mom would clean it afterwards. Or if she would throw it out completely, make room for something more useful. And he looked over to the laptop on the desk, where he had written so many lies. There were also all of his therapy letters. He should have deleted those, damn it. Too late now. 

He looked back towards the bed and was surprised to see Connor Murphy sitting next to him. He knew it wasn’t actually Connor, and he shouldn’t be surprised. But there he was. 

“Don’t worry,” Connor said, “It’ll be over soon.”

Evan wanted to tell him sorry again. Wanted to tell him something, anything, but nothing would come out. Connor looked at him, pity in his eyes. 

“Whatever happens, Evan, it’s not your fault...”

Everything was going black, Connor was still saying something but Evan couldn’t make it out. Everything was gone, he felt like he was floating. He wondered if this is where he would be left for eternity. 

Then the nothingness seemed to shift. He felt something under him, something solid. Then a soft light. And quite suddenly he heard an alarm clock. 

He shot up in his bed. Looking around the room, then looked at himself. He wasn’t shaking anymore, his heart wasn’t pounding out of his chest. He had his cast on? But he had gotten that off a long time ago. It didn’t have Connor’s name on it anymore. 

“So you just decided not to eat last night?” His Mom asked. Evan started, not realizing she had entered the room. 

“Huh?”

“You’re a senior in high school, Evan. You need to be able to order dinner for yourself if I’m at work.”

“O-okay.”

Heidi sighed. “Have you been working on those letters? You know, ‘Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day and here’s why.”

“I started one. I’ll finish it at school.”

“Okay honey. Why don’t you ask some of the kids to sign your cast? I’ve gotta get to work, but make sure you get to school on time. You don’t want to be late for your first day of senior year!”

Evan was confused now. How could it possibly be the first day of senior year? He was supposed to be dead. He couldn’t be here. But almost everything’s identical. And if it really was the first day, that meant that Connor Murphy was still alive. And just maybe, Evan could make everything right. He jumped out of bed to get ready for the day. 

He made it to the school a minute or so after he had the first time through. And made his ways through the hall. He saw Jared and walked towards him. 

“Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off too much or do you consider it an honor?”

“W-what? I wasn’t.”

“Paint me the picture: you’re in your bedroom, you’ve got Zoe Murphy’s Instagram open on your weird, off-brand phone.”

“T-that’s not w-what happened, Jared! I d-don’t even have feelings for her anymore.” That part was true. While he did still care about her, he realized that his crush on her had stemmed from the fact that she was the kind of person he always wanted to be. 

“O-Kay! If you say so,” It was then that Connor started walking by. Evan couldn’t stop himself from staring, Connor was alive. Connor Murphy was alive. He was probably planning on killing himself tonight, but he was alive. 

“Hey, Connor. I’m loving the new hair length. Very school-shooter chic.”

Connor stared at Jared. And seemed to be opening his mouth to respond, but Evan beat him to it. 

“Jared, stop being a dick! Don’t bully Connor just because he has better hair than you.”

Jared was furious, “Well fuck you too, Hansen! Have fun sucking Connor’s dick!” He stalked off. 

Evan turned back and saw Connor staring at him with wide eyes. Not knowing what to do Evan ran down the hall way to his first class. 

He knew he still had to go to the computer lab after classes to write his letter, and hope for Connor to show up. So that’s what he did. Now he had to write a letter that wouldn’t get Connor mad. 

“Dear Evan Hansen,

Today is going to be a good day and here’s why. Because you’re going to try harder. You’re going to get things right this time. And there’s Connor, who you don’t know and who doesn’t know you. But that can change. You can make that change and maybe someday you two can be friends! And maybe you can save each other.

Sincerely, your best and dearest friend,   
Me.”

Evan let out a breath and hit send. He really hoped that Connor wouldn’t get mad at this one, or at him. Or maybe he wouldn’t show up at all. Oh god, maybe all of this was useless and he wouldn’t even show up. 

“Hey.”

Evan’s head shot up to look at Connor Murphy. Standing in front of him, holding his paper. 

“H-hello.”

“Um. I just wanted to say thank you for this morning.”

“O-oh. You d-didn’t have to. Jared was b-being a dick, he s-shouldn’t have said t-that stuff to you.”

“Well thanks either way... Um. How’d you break your arm?”

“I-I fell. Out of a t-tree.”

“Well that’s the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard, oh my god.”

“Y-yeah.”

“No ones signed your cast.”

“Oh yeah, no... would you like to sign it?”

“Yeah. Do you have a sharpie?”

Evan handed him the sharpie and he signed his name in big bold letters like he had before. And handed the marker back to Evan.

“T-thank you!”

“Now we can both pretend to have friends.”

“Y-yeah. I guess so.”

“Oh is this your letter? I saw it on the printer, ‘Evan Hansen’ that’s your name right?”

“Y-yeah,” he started reading for it. Connor looked down at the paper. 

“And there’s Connor, who you don’t know and who doesn’t know you? Is this about me?”

“Y-yes? I-I’m so s-sorry. I shouldn’t h-have w-written that.”

“You wrote this?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“It’s for t-therapy. S-sorry I-I shouldn’t have written about you.”

“And you’re completely serious? This isn’t some fucking joke that you’re playing on me?”

“N-no! I w-would never! I-I m-meant what I said.”

“Then I guess it’s a good day for both of us. Hand me that sharpie again.”

Evan handed him back the marker and Connor wrote something on the paper. Handing both objects back to Evan, he left the room. Evan looked down at the letter. It had Connors phone number, and it said, “I guess we don’t have to pretend to be friends.” He put the number into his contacts and walked out. 

He headed back towards his house feeling rather proud of himself. He was even confident enough to send Connor a message, which he was almost never confident enough to do. 

**Evan**  
Hey. It’s Evan, I hope it’s okay to text you now. 

He waited about five minutes before he got a reply. 

**Connor**  
Course it’s fine. I’m the one who gave you my number lol. 

Evan was relieved to see the message and replied immediately. 

**Evan**  
Okay. I just wasn’t sure if you were driving or something. I didn’t want you to be checking the phone if it was inconvenient or anything. I just really wanted to message you because I think you’re cool and I would really like to be your friend. 

He didn’t wait as long for the next message, a minute or two later his phone buzzed. 

**Connor**  
Aw. You think I’m cool? You’re not too bad yourself Hansen;)

He was a little off put by the fact that Connor called him Hansen, instead of by his first name. But he was texting Connor, and that was a good enough improvement for now.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Boys talk and hang out?

Evan made sure to text Connor for as long as he could. He kept watch of the clock, he knew when Connor had killed himself last time. He just had to make it past 10. Past 10, past 10, and Connor would be alive. 

Eventually the time passed, and the texting didn’t seem to be slowing down. He felt relieved, knowing that Connor was safe for now. And he was happy to talk to Connor, the conversation seemed to flow easily, and Evan knew that Connor would be alright for tonight. 

**Connor**  
No way There is no possible way that you can call Me emo when you listened to Evanescence

**Evan**  
That was in middle school! Everyone listened to them. 

**Connor**  
Suuuuuure just btw your name is now Evan-escence in my phone

 

**Evan**  
Fine. But I’m putting you in as My Con-nical Romance. 

**My Con-nical Romance**  
Perfect.   
Now we can both be cliche emo bands

Evan had quickly learned that Connor liked to tease him. Not in any way that would cause damage, but he definitely took every opportunity he could to tease Evan. 

They kept texting for awhile after that, and he started feeling drowsy. He didn’t want to stop talking to him though. He dozed off in the middle of typing, and woke up to his alarm the next morning. 

He looked at his phone quickly, thankfully he had remembered to plug it in when he was texting, he peeked at the final messages. 

**Evan**  
It’s gate bkhhg

**My Con-nical Romance**  
What the fuck

**My Con-nical Romance**  
Oh my god did you fall asleep?

**My Con-nical Romance**  
Alright I guess I’ll say goodnight then lol. See you at school 

Dang it. That’s embarrassing. Evan felt like he should text him and apologize. *But what if I did that and I ended up waking him up? Or if he was driving, then he could feel like he’d have to look at his phone and he’d get in a crash.* In the end he decided against it. Besides, he had to get ready for the day.

He dressed quickly and went downstairs, finding a note on the kitchen table for him.   
“I meant to talk you when I got home but I didn’t want to wake you up. But I have an early shift today (but I guess that’s obvious, since I’m leaving you this note). I’ll be getting off early though, so we can hang out tonight and you can tell me how your first day of senior year went!!” He smiled at the note. He hadn’t gotten this note the last time, he had been awake when she had come home. He was still having a panic attack and it hadn’t been fun, he’d do better this time. 

He decided to have a piece of toast before walking to school. Looking at the clock, he realized he had to leave for school. So he just grabbed a piece of bread instead of making toast, grabbed his backpack, and headed out the door. The walk to the school wasn’t terrible, but it did take awhile. 

Evan arrived at the school a few minutes before the first bell was supposed to ring. Connor came up behind him, “Do you always walk to school?” Evan jolted, not realizing he had walked up. 

“Y-yeah. My mom has work most of the time. So I w-walk to school.”

“Nope. That’s not gonna work.”

“W-what?”

“I’ll drive you from now on.”

“R-really? You don’t h-have to!”

“Evan. You’re my first real friend. I don’t want you to end up getting run over or some shit on your way to school.”

“Oh. Okay.” So Connor did consider them friends. That was good. 

They walked into school together. Everyone seemed to glance at them as they passed, no one dared to stare too long, and Evan felt himself shrink into Connor’s side. He didn’t realize how much until he felt Connor squeeze his hand. He looked up at the taller boy, who looked back and cocked his head towards the library. Evan nodded to him and they hurried into the quiet library. 

“Are you okay?” Connor asked. 

“Y-yeah. I’m f-fine.”

“It’s okay if you don’t want to hang out at school. I don’t want you to get picked on because of me,” He didn’t want to tell Evan that this wasn’t actually okay, that it would break his heart, he had to make sure Evan was okay. 

“N-no! T-that’s not it at all! I just. Don’t l-like everyone s-staring at m-me.” He felt bad that Connor would think that he’d want to stop hanging out because of that. 

“Okay. Just wanted you to know that you’re not forced to hang out with me.”

“Y-yeah right. If a-anything you’re the o-one who’s gonna b-be forced to hang out with m-me.”

“Gladly.”

They stared at each other for a minute, until both of them broke out in smiles(Evan more obviously so) and burst into laughter. 

Once they regained their composure, with more than one bitty looks for the librarian, they walked back into the hall. The bell rang and Connor groaned. He asked if Evan wanted to hang out at lunch, he happily agreed, and said goodbye. Evan headed towards his own classroom, ready to review the classes he’d already taken. 

They were just as boring as they were the first time. And Evan was happy to make it to lunch. Connor was waiting by his locker, they had talked about it in their texting, and he walked over to him. 

“How was classes?” Evan asked, as he opened the locker. 

“Hell. As always. Can’t wait to get out of this place for good.”

“S-same here. But I guess we should enjoy it while it lasts?”

“Whatever. Let’s get lunch.” He started walking towards the exit. 

“The cafeteria is the other way!”

“I have a car. C’mon, we’re getting some actual food.”

Evan followed him out of the school and to an old car parked in the student parking lot. Connor unlocked the doors and got in, while Evan hurried to get into the other side. They started driving away from the school. Then Evan remembered he didn’t have money for lunch. He told Connor as much. 

“That’s fine. I’ll just buy you something.”

“I c-couldn’t let you waste your money on me!”

“Don’t worry. It’s my parents money, and they’re fuckin loaded. They won’t care.”

It would be useless to argue with Connor anyway, so he stayed quiet and listened to the radio. The music wasn’t bad, and Connor actually seemed to be quietly singing along. Evan tried to listen closer for his singing. He had a nice voice and Evan wished he would sing louder. 

The majority of the ride was silent and they reached a Mcdonalds in no time. He asked what Evan wanted. He told Connor to just get him a hamburger, he still didn’t feel comfortable with Connor wasting money on him. In the end Evan ended up with a Big Mac, fries, and a drink. He felt like it was too much. But Connor didn’t seem to think so. 

They parked at an abandoned field to eat. It was pretty peaceful and they simply enjoyed the others company in silence. Evan liked it, he didn’t feel pressed for conversation, and he just enjoyed being with Connor. Who was currently lounging in his seat with his head back. He had his eyes closed and was probably thinking about something. 

Which made it startling when he suddenly groaned and lurched forward onto the wheel. 

“I don’t want to go back to hell.”

“Okay?”

“Skip with me.”

“Okay,” He said with little hesitation. 

“Wait, seriously?” He was looking at Evan with wide eyes now. 

“Yeah. Why not? I don’t want to go back there.”

“Oh my god, you’re my favorite person ever.”

Connor slumped back into his seat and closed his eyes again. Evan continued to stare at him for a minute, until he realized that it was probably creepy to stare at his best friend like that, and promptly looked away. Eventually Connor brought his head up again and turned on the car. Starting to drive. 

“Where are we going?”

“You said you worked at a park over the summer right?”

“Um y-yeah?”

“We could go there.”

“I guess?”

“Awesome.”

So he sped towards Ellison State Park. Evan knew they probably shouldn’t be there, but he did enjoy the place and liked the thought of showing it to Connor. 

They arrived in record time, with Evan giving directions and Connor driving way too fast, and walked towards the park together. 

Evan showed him around the park and pointed out some of his favorite trees. He led them to a clearing where they sat down and looked over the trees. 

He was lookin around the clearing when he saw the tree. The tree that he had flung himself off of. He stared at it, and couldn’t get the thought out of his head. *I tried to kill myself right there. I tried to kill my self right there.* It seemed like such a distant memory, but the cast was proof that it wasn’t. It had happened just a while ago. It was a strange thought, but it wasn’t like those feelings had dissipated. Those thoughts still popped up. 

Connor’s voice jolted him away from the tree, “Are you okay, Evan?”

“Yeah,” Evan could immediately tell that it sounded off. 

“Nope. Something’s wrong. Spill.”

“I-it’s r-really nothing. I’m fine.”

Connor looked over to where Evan had been looking. He didn’t see anything that should have caused the distress in his friend. There were only tress... oh shit. 

“Shit. Is this where you fell? I’m sorry man I should have realized.”

“No! No! I’m f-fine. I just was spacing o-out for a s-second.”

“Okay.”

He could tell that Connor was still worried about him, but tried to brush it off. He focused back on the empty field around him. Occupied by only grass, Evan, and Connor. And made a point to try and avoid looking at the trees, this didn’t end up working too well since his eyes kept being drawn to the tree. But he managed to avoid a very serious conversation for now. 

He didn’t want to tell Connor that he’d tried to kill him self. Connor has enough to deal with, and doesn’t need to deal with Evan trying something like that. Evan was also scared that Connor wouldn’t want to hang out with him if he told him that. It’s a lot to put on a person that he’s only known for one day. 

 

They eventually dozed off on the grass and took a nap. And were only awakened when Evan’s phone started to ring. He picked it up. 

“H-hello?”

“Evan, sweetie! Where are you? I got a call from your school that you missed some classes and I got worried. Then you weren’t at home when I got here. Where are you?”

“S-sorry Mom. I’m a-at Ellison right n-now. I w-was just hanging out w-with a f-friend? I h-had a p-panic attack at school, and h-he thought it w-would be better here.”

“Oh. Okay honey. You just have to tell me next time, Okay? And why don’t you invite your friend over sometime? I’d love to meet him!”

“Will do. I’ll be home soon.”

“Alright. Is your friend driving you?”

“Yeah.”

“Then maybe he can hang out tonight. I’ll order an extra pizza and I can make sure this boy is a good friend for you.”

“Mooom,” Connor was looking at him with amusement now. 

“Okay, okay. But really, you should invite him! Bye, honey. I’ll see you soon.”

“Bye, Mom.”

Putting the phone back in his pocket he turned to Connor, “My Mom wants to meet you.”

“Shit. I don’t do good with parents.”

“You don’t have to do it. I’m not gonna force you to.”

“Naw. It’s fine. I just don’t want some shit to happen and for your mom to decide I’m not a good influence.”

“Don’t worry. She’ll love you.”

“Sure.”

With that, they walked back towards the car and got in, quickly speeding off towards Evan’s house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Funny story. The “It’s gate bkhhg” is an actual text I sent to my friend once while I was half asleep. Next chapter Heidi meets Connor.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner with the Hansen’s! Larry is an asshole!

Evan could see Connor getting more tense as they made their way towards his house. Noticed how his knuckles were turning white where he was gripping the wheel. 

“You d-don’t have to worry. S-she’s going to think you’re great.”

“No, she’s not, Evan. She’s gonna see how much of a fucking freak I am, and not want you to hang out with me.”

Evan wondered if this had happened to Connor before, or if he just worried that it was going to happen. He hoped it was just worrying. 

“She’s just g-going to be happy t-that I actually have a friend. A-and even if she doesn’t like you, I’m not going to s-stop hanging out w-with you.”

Connor was still scowling, but his grip did loosen a little bit. Mumbling a “Thanks” under his breath that he thought Evan wouldn’t hear. Evan was happy that he did though. 

Giving directions to his house was easy and they made it there pretty quickly. Pulling into the drive way, Connor seemed to survey the house. 

“I-it’s not very big,” Evan said, remembering how big the Murphy’s house was in comparison. 

“It’s great. Guess I’m just nervous to meet your parents, I hear that’s a big step in a relationship,” he looked over and smiled at Evan as he said this. Then promptly started laughing. 

“S-shut up, lets go in.”

They walked to the front door and Evan opened it. Stepping in and then to the side, to let Connor in. 

“Mom! I’m back!”

Heidi Hansen walked into the front room, where the boys were, and quickly engulfed Evan in a hug, “Don’t worry me like that!” Evan apologized, and she quickly turned to Connor. 

“And you must be Evan’s new friend!” She held out her hand, which he slowly took, “it is so nice to meet you. I’m Heidi. Evan’s Mom.”

“Nice to meet you, Mrs. Hansen.” He tried to be as nice as possible, to counteract the look of his long, matted hair and dark, well, everything. 

“No need for formalities. You can call me Heidi. But I don’t believe I caught your name?”

“Connor?”

Heidi looked over at Evan, specifically his cast, which had Connor’s name emblazoned on the front. And looked back to Connor. 

“You must be the one that signed his cast,” she looked back to Evan, “I told you that would be a good idea!”

She could tell Evan was getting uncomfortable with the situation and decided to invite Connor in properly. And brought them into the kitchen, where there were already two boxes of pizza waiting for the three of them. Pepperoni and a Plain Cheese. 

“So how has school been going boys?”

“I-it’s been alright,” Evan answered, knowing that Connor wanted to talk as little as he could.

“Just alright?”

“Yeah?”

“Okay. Well, how did you two meet?”

Evan wasn’t sure if Connor wanted to tell her the truth, and started trying to stutter through an explanation. Connor could see how he was struggling and decided to speak up. 

“This guy was trying to make fun of me and Evan stood up for me.”

Heidi looked at the two of them in surprise. 

“Evan, you stood up for him?”

“Y-yeah?”

“Oh honey! That’s incredible! I’m so proud of you!”

“O-oh. T-thanks m-mom.”

Heidi smiled at the two boys in front of her. Already she could tell that they were opposites, but that they fit together well. She hoped it stayed like that. 

They all kept eating in silence after that, with no one wanting to be the first to strike up conversation. Eventually they finished one of the pizzas, and with none of them wanting more, Heidi packed up the remaining pizza for later. Probably to be eaten by Evan the following day. 

“Well, I have an early shift tomorrow. So I’ll leave you boys alone. Don’t stay up too late. And make sure you get home safe Connor. I’d invite you to stay the night, but it is a school night.”

“That’s fine. I’ll make sure to go home before it gets too late. 

Heidi smiled at the boys one last time before heading to her room. Trusting that the boys would keep safe. 

“Fuck,” Connor turned to Evan, “Your Mom is cool. And I didn’t fuck up our friendship, I consider that a success.”

“I told you it would be fine.”

“Yeah. You did. So, what are we doing now?”

“I-I don’t know? There’s not a lot of stuff to do here? We could go up to my room and hang out for awhile?”

“Okay. That sounds good to me.”

So Evan led the way to his room, hoping that it was tidy. He immediately noticed all of the faults; his sheets weren’t folded, his laptop was on the floor next to the bed, the folder for his letters was next to it ,every mistake was archived in his brain. Connor, meanwhile, thought the room looked perfectly fine, cleaner than his. And went to sit on the bed, looking at Evan to sit as well. Soon they both sat on the bed and waited for one of them to talk. 

“Your room is nice,” said Connor awkwardly. 

“T-thanks.”

“It fits you.”

“Oh. Um. How?”

“Shit man. I don’t know. It’s nice, and clean.”

“Oh, uh, thanks.”

They slipped back into a silence for awhile, neither knowing what to say. This time it was interrupted by Connor’s phone ringing. He looked at the caller ID and sighed, “I’ve gotta take this.”

He stood from the bed and walked to the other side of the room, putting the phone to his ear. 

“What the fuck do you want? . . . And that’s news? . . . No I’m not. I’m at a friend’s house. . . Yes, a friend. Zoe. I’m capable of making a friend. . . Fuck you! . . . . . . Fine, fuck, I’ll be there soon. . Yup, fuck you too,” He turned back to Evan, “I’ve gotta head home.”

“Okay. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. As good as it can get with my family. I had a good time. I’ll pick you up for school tomorrow.”

“Alright. I’ll walk you to the front door.”

So they walked down together, Connor stepping out of the house towards his car, and Evan watching him leave. Connor got into his car and started it up. Looking at Evan and waving goodbye, before backing out and driving away. 

As Connor was driving he thought about the day. How he had somehow managed to make a good impression with Evans Mom, how he hadn’t snapped at Evan, and how he was going to make sure that this friendship lasted. With all of this on his mind he quickly found himself parked outside of his house. 

He turned the car off, and slowly went inside the house. 

“Where have you been?” Called Larry. 

“Why the fuck do you care?”

“Because I don’t want you to go out getting high!”

“I wasn’t! I was at a friends.”

“Right. Because you’re so friendly?”

“Fuck you! Just because you hate me doesn’t mean that everybody in the world does!”

“I don’t hate you Connor...”

“Yes you do!! You hate everything about me! And hell, I can’t blame you for that but it’s not like you ever try to help!! All I am is a goddamn disappointment to you! And for once in my fucking life I found something good! And I won’t let you fuck it up!”

Larry was left in silence as Connor stomped to his room, not willing to let Larry have the last word. Slamming the door and flinging himself onto his mattress, he felt exhausted and mad. From the floor below he could hear Larry and Cynthia fighting. Most likely about him. 

He kicked his boots to the side of his bed and sprawled out. His eyes started tearing up and he cursed at himself. He was crying now, *How fucking pathetic* he thought to himself, rolled onto his side. He tried to will himself to sleep, but just couldn’t do it. When his phone pinged it surprised him, he picked it up to see that Evan had texted him. 

**Evan-escence**  
I hope you got home okay! Can’t wait to hang out tomorrow!

*Evan is way too fucking adorable for his own good* he thought. He texted back, before falling asleep. 

**Connor**  
I’m safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing is so much easier when you’re not half asleep? Who knew. Hope you guys are enjoying this story so far.


	4. The actual chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting ready for school. An almost serious conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m really sorry for the mix up with the last chapter. I think I’ve fixed it now. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. Here’s a chapter. Sorry again. I’ll try not to let it happen again.

Connor woke up the next morning when Zoe banged on his door. Shouting that he had to come down for breakfast, and quickly walking away. Connor rolled out of bed, quite literally rolled, and landed on the ground. He sat up from there, found his brush, and gave his hair a quick comb through. Getting up, he quickly found an outfit to throw on. Normally when he slept in his clothes he just wore them the next day, but there was no need for Evan to know that. And slipped on his boots. 

He slugged down to the kitchen, and into his spot. He put his head down on the table. Which caught the attention of Zoe and Larry. 

“You’re high again. Aren’t you?” Asked Larry, to Connor it seemed like a loaded question. 

“No. I’m not.”

“Yes, you are. Why else would you have your head down like that,” Larry said, proving Connor was right, loaded question. 

“Maybe because I had a She-witch cackling at my door to wake me up this morning,” Zoe glared at him for that, he glared back. 

“Uh huh, sure, and where were you yesterday?”

“I already told you. I was at a friends house.”

“Yeah right. We all know you don’t have friends Connor. Where were you really?”

“A. Friends.”

“What friend?” Asked Zoe. 

He glared at her again, “Evan Hansen.”

“There’s no way that anxious little Evan Hansen would be friends with someone like you, Connor.”

“And yet here we are,” He said in the calmest voice he could muster, it was too damn early for a fight that would keep him angry all day. Standing up, and shoving the table, he ran to his room and grabbed his keys. He ran back through the house and out the door, opened the car door and slammed himself inside. 

He turned on the car, and looked at the time. It was still awhile before school started. Hopefully, Evan wouldn’t mind if he crashed there for a minute. So that’s where Connor headed. He knew the way from last night, so he got there pretty quickly. Waiting in his car for a minute, trying to get his heart rate down. 

Once he did that he turned the car off and walked up to the door. He knocked twice and hoped it was loud enough for Evan to hear. After a minute Evan opened the door. He was still wearing his pajamas, *He looks fucking adorable.* Connor thought, then continued to berate himself for the thought, *He almost definitely doesn’t like dudes. Stop hopeful thinking and just try to keep a friend.*

“H-Hey Connor. You’re here early?”

“Never too early to see you, Evan.”

“S-Sure, you too. Come on in.”

Evan stepped aside and Connor walked into the house. He immediately walked over to the couch and flopped down. Evan went up to him. 

“Is anything wrong?”

“Nope. Not here. I’m all good.”

“Did something go wrong before you got here?”

Connor looked up at him, “Are you reading my mind?”

“N-no? I w-was just worried?”

“Don’t worry about it. Just some bullshit that Larry and Zoe said.”

“I’m sorry. You can talk to me if you need to though.”

*No I couldn’t.* Connor thought, *Because then you’d hate me. And realize what a freak I am. And I’d rather fucking kill myself than have you hate me. I won’t get you involved in my problems.*

“I know,” is what he decided to say. Evan smiled at that answer, that’s all that mattered. Evan told him how he had to get ready, Connor told him that was fine, and closed his eyes. 

Five minutes later Evan was back in the front room, dressed and ready for the day. Connor looked up at him. 

“Lookin good, Evan. How much time do we have?” He made room for Evan on the couch. 

“About fifteen minutes?” He said, taking the space next to Connor. 

“Nice,” was all that Connor said in return. 

They sat in silence for a long time, which Connor was happy about. He didn’t really want to talk this morning, and the silence between them wasn’t awkward like it had been the night before. So he felt content in just sitting there with Evan. His thoughts wandered though, to Evan, when they were in the park. 

*He looked so freaked out yesterday. That must’ve been where he fell. But why wouldn’t he just say that if it was? There was something else about it, he looked like he was on the verge of a panic attack.* 

He looked over at Evan, who looked back at him once he noticed Connor’s stare. 

“What is it?” Evan asked. 

“What happened yesterday, at the park?”

“W-what do you m-mean?”

“Something was wrong, Evan. What was it?”

“W-Well. Um. W-what h-happened this m-morning, with y-your f-family?” Evan asked, he was obviously trying to avoid the question. Connor rolled his eyes. 

“I got in an argument with Larry and Zoe. Now, what happened with you?”

“N-nothing I-I w-was just s-spaced o-off is all. I-I d-didn’t even r-realize until you p-pointed it o-out. S-sorry if y-you were w-worried or a-anything, I j-just d-didn’t r-realize.”

Connor let out a sigh, he wasn’t getting anywhere, he knew Evan was lying. But Evan was getting way too nervous for his own good, and Connor didn’t want to be the source of Evan’s panic attack. 

“Look dude. You can tell me when you’re ready. Don’t worry about it for now. Okay?”

“O-okay.”

He tried to smile at Evan, to reassure him. But it probably came out weird and forced. He got a similar smile back. Evan was shaking, and they sat there for another five minutes. 

They had to get going now. Evan was shaking less and Connor hadn’t talked, letting him calm down. They walked to his car and got in, pulled away from the house, and took off towards the school. 

When they got there they sat in the car for a minute or two before getting out. They walked into school together, making their way to Evan’s locker. Jared was waiting for them. Connor made sure to leave before they got to him, saying a quick goodbye to Evan and promising to see him at lunch. 

Evan walked up to Jared. Who looked smug, but still a little pissed off. 

“Wow, Acorn. Who would’ve thought you and school shooter would’ve ended up together.”

“S-stop c-calling him that. W-We’re not together, Jared. H-he doesn’t e-even like me t-that way.”

“But you like him that way?”

“W-what? N-no. I-i don’t.”

“Yeah. Uh huh. Sure. Tell you what, I won’t make fun of your boyfriend, and we can be family friends again. Deal?” He held out his hand. 

“O-okay,” Evan said shaking his hand. 

“Alright. Bye.” 

And with that Jared took off down the hallway. Evan got his class stuff and made his way to his first class. Ready for another day, better than the last time. And he would make sure of that.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> School stuff. Zoe Murphy. Basically filler until I figure some stuff out.

Classes went by quickly and soon it was lunch time. Evan headed towards his locker, and found Connor and Jared waiting next to it. Glaring at each other. 

“H-hello.”

“Hi, Evan,” Connor replied with a smile. 

“Woah, you got the emo to smile, dude!”

Connor scowled at him, he raised his arms in mock surrender. Jared grabbed Evan by the shoulders and steered him towards the lunch room. Rolling his eyes, Connor followed. 

They made their way over to the lunch line, and waited for whatever garbage they put on their plates. It took about 15 minutes to get through the line. At the end of it, they got what looked like a burger and walked to an empty table near the back. 

“What the fuck is this?” Connor asked, looking at the burger. 

“A hamburger?” replied Evan. 

“This sure as fuck isn’t a hamburger,” he said, holding up the meat and showing it to Evan, his nail polish was getting chipped. The meat looked pale, it definitely didn’t look like beef. 

“M-maybe it’s a chicken sandwich?”

Connor sniffed it, “No. I don’t think so.”

“Veggie burger?”

“Probably. That’s disgusting,” He said, flinging the meat back onto his tray, “I get enough vegetarian shit at home, thanks.”

Jared watched this whole exchange, and was now snickering at the two. Connor glared at him again. 

“What’s so funny, dickhead?”

“Oh, nothing,” he turned his gaze to Evan, “nothing at all,” he smirked. 

They spent the rest of the lunch silent. Except for Jared who kept going into detail about different conspiracy theories that he had heard. 

“So the lizard people....” Evan wondered if Jared actually believed the theories. 

Eventually they had all finished their lunch, Connor had only picked at some of his fruit cup, and waited for the bell to ring for class. 

The bell rang and they went their separate ways for class. Connor had basically sprinted away, after saying goodbye to Evan. He had obviously reached his Jared Kleinman limit. Jared walked a little further with Evan, continuing to talk about some other conspiracy, something about some celebrity and dying. And eventually they parted ways as well. 

The rest of the day went by fine. Evan knew all of the material that the teachers were teaching. He probably would for the rest of the year. But he was happy to be leaving. He started heading to his locker when he was commandeered by Zoe Murphy. 

“Evan, right?” 

“Y-yeah?”

“Are you seriously friends with my brother?”

“Y-yes. I am.”

“You don’t have to lie to me if you aren’t. I’m just trying to understand what’s going on.”

“I-I’m not l-lying. W-we really are friends.”

“He’s not threatening you, is he? I know how unpleasant he can be.”

Evan frowned at her. He knew what Zoe thought of Connor from the last time. But now he actually knew Connor. 

“He’s my best friend. No. He’s not threatening me, and he’s actually really nice to be around. I know you don’t have a good relationship with your brother, but it doesn’t mean that other people do,” he managed to say without stuttering, his hands were shaking now though. And he knew he had to get away or he would burst into tears. 

He walked away, leaving Zoe shocked. Connor was already waiting by his locker for him. When he saw Evan he knew something was wrong. Evan’s eyes must already be watering up. Connor grabbed his hand and led the way to his car. 

Once they were inside the car Evan let the tears flow. 

“What happened, Evan? What’s wrong?” Connor asked, concerned. 

“Nothing,” Evan said. 

“Bullshit. What happened? You can tell me.”

“That’s the thing, Connor. It actually is nothing,” Evan kind of chuckled. He felt bad for saying something mean to Zoe, after what they had been through the last time, but Zoe didn’t remember that and Evan knew that defending Connor was more important. 

“Something must have triggered it though.”

“Yeah. It was your sister.”

“Zoe? What the fuck did she do?” His hands wound into fists by his sides. 

“She asked if we were really friends. I told her we are. And she thought that you were threatening me to be your friend or something, because she knows how ‘unpleasant’,” he put air quotations around that, “I told her that you weren’t threatening me, and even though she doesn’t have a good relationship with you doesn’t mean that I can’t.”

Connor stared at him with wide eyes, and hugged him, “Damn dude. Thank you. Thank you so much,” he looked like he was about to tear up, “But why are you crying over that?”

“I don’t know? I just hate conflict?”

“Alright,” Connor said, pulling back. He rubbed his eyes quickly, “So are we headed to your place?”

“Sure!” Evan dried his eyes and looked forward as Connor started the car and drove.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a shorter chapter. I kind of rushed it? And sorry I haven’t updated in awhile. I’ll try to update more often again. Thank you for reading.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan confesses some deep shit. Those boys get some snuggles. Heidi’s a great mom. There you go.

Connor drove them to Evan’s house. His head was still reeling after what Evan had told him, Evan had defended him in front of Zoe. Adorable, little Evan Hansen defending Connor “school shooter” Murphy. To Zoe of all people! Connor could fucking kiss him. 

He felt himself smiling at the thought. Evan had quickly become the best thing in Connor’s life. Which was probably sad, but fuck it, it was true. He was worried about fucking it up, terrified of doing something to make Evan hate him. But it hadn’t happened yet, so he was going to milk this of everything it had. 

He managed to get them to Evan’s house safely, and had calmed down by the time he pulled out in front of the house. Quickly, he parked the car and hopped out. Evan got out and walked up to the door, unlocking it. They both walked in, and walked up to Evan’s room. Connor immediately went over and flopped down on Evan’s bed, and closed his eyes for a minute. 

When he noticed that Evan hadn’t sat down he looked up, Evan was still in the doorframe, looking at Connor. He looked away immediately after being found out, and fidgeted with his shirt. Connor flopped his head back down. 

“It’s your room, come on in.”

“R-right.”

Connor felt the bed dip by his side. He cracked open an eye to see the boy sitting next to him. Evan was still fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. Connor swatted his hand away from the hem. 

“Chill dude. You’re gonna break your fingers or something.”

Evan looked confused, “I-I don’t think that’s possible? Not from messing with my shirt, at least.” 

“If you’re clumsy enough to break your arm from climbing a tree, you’re clumsy enough to break a finger doing that.”

He still looked confused but he also seemed to pale a little bit. *Shit. He’s still nervous about the arm thing.* Connor thought. He did wonder why it affected him so much though, why he had to look away when Connor mentioned it. It was worrying. 

“You have a secret, Evan Hansen,” Evan looked down at him, startled, “One day, I hope you’ll tell me it.” He closed his eyes again. Evan was breathing heavily next to him, but he didn’t open his eyes again. He knew he should probably give the boy some comforting words, but Connor knew he was right. Evan was hiding something, and Connor wanted to know what it was. 

“C-Connor?” 

He looked up at him, there were tears in Evan’s eyes now. Fuck, Connor hadn’t meant to do that. 

“Yeah, Ev?”

“I... Do you r-remember?”

“Remember what, Ev?” Connor was confused, this wasn’t what he expected. 

“I-I. O-of course you w-wouldn’t,” he was shaking his head now, looking away from Connor. 

“What are you talking about, Evan?”

“N-nothing. It does- doesn’t r-really matter.”

“Evan. It’s not nothing, you’re crying and it’s obviously bothering you... Does this have anything to do with your arm?”

“... My... arm? N-no. W-why w-would you think that?”

“Every time I mention your arm you act weird. You aren’t telling me something.”

He saw Evan sigh in relief. Connor made sure to remember that. He wanted to know the secrets Evan was hiding from him. 

“Oh, t-that doesn’t really matter,” he chuckled a little bit, “It was j-just a-a s-slip.” 

“A slip?” Connor sat up. 

“Y-yeah.”

“Why are you so nervous though?” He was trying to get Evan to look at him. 

“I-I’m always n-nervous,” He was looking away. 

“Not with me though. You only stutter with me when you don’t want to talk about something.”

Evan closed his eyes for a moment, and shook his head. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, “You don’t have to deal with my problems.”

“I know that, Evan. Shit, you don’t have to deal with mine either, everyone knows I have plenty. But here we are, so just tell me.”

“I didn’t fall,” It was whispered so quietly that Connor had trouble hearing it, but he was glad he did. 

“What do mean, Ev? If you didn’t fall, then what happened?”

“I-I didn’t fall, Connor,” He looked into Connor’s eyes, there were tears threatening to fall. 

“You. Didn’t fall.” Oh. 

Connor pulled Evan into his arms. Evan sobbed into his shoulder, “I tried to kill myself.”

“I’m sorry.” 

Evan sort of laughed at that. He was thinking about the day he did kill himself, thinking about the day Connor had killed himself. For a minute he had wondered whether Connor could have remembered the other timeline or not, he obviously didn’t. 

Evan was glad that he didn’t though, he also thought about if he would tell Connor about the other timeline or not. But for now, this truth was enough. He wrapped his arms around Connor tightly, and turned his face into Connor’s neck. His hair was soft, and he smelled like weed and whatever soap he used. Evan was strangely comforted by the scent. 

“I know how you feel,” Connor whispered to him. 

“I know.”

Connor chuckled, “We’re such a mess.”

“I don’t care right now.”

Connor hugged him tighter, practically pulling Evan into his lap. They stayed there, in each other’s arms until Evan’s eyes dried, with Connor petting Evan’s hair and Evan clinging to Connor like a lifeline. 

They both calmed down after almost an hour. Connor then fell backwards again, with Evan on top of him. They both laughed at this. He lifted himself up to look down at Connor. He was smiling up at Evan, his hair was splayed out across the mattress. Evan wished Connor could always look that happy, he was handsome when he smiled. 

Heidi walked into the room. The two boys scrambled apart, which mostly consisted of Evan making his way off of Connor. She looked surprised. 

“It’s n-not what you t-think, M-Mom.”

“Okay. I’m happy for you boys. I’ll be downstairs if you need me,” she backed out of the room, pulling the door closed. 

The boys looked at each other, when Connor burst out laughing. 

“Sorry, dude. But oh my god that was fucking hilarious.”

Evan kind of laughed too. It was funny that his mom would walk in at that moment. They laughed together for a minute, until Connor looked at the clock. 

“Shit. I’ve gotta head home,” Evan realized that it was getting darker outside, how long had they been at the house?

“Okay. Be safe getting home.”

“Will do. Good luck with your mom.”

Evan walked him to the door and watched him pull away. Then turned back into the house to face his mom. She was waiting in the kitchen for him. 

“So,” She said, “you and Connor?”

“N-no. W-we’re not d-dating Mom. W-we were j-just hugging a-and y-you came in at a funny time.”

“Okay honey... are you sure though?”

“W-what do y-you mean b-by that? I-I was t-telling the truth.”

“I know that, Dear. I was just wondering if that was all that you want it to be.”

“W-what?”

“Do you have feelings for Connor, Evan?”

“I-“ He didn’t know the answer. He knew he cared about him, he wanted to make Connor happy, Connor was very attractive, every time Connor smiled or laughed Evan felt happy for him, and he didn’t want to see Connor sad ever again. But did that mean Evan had a crush on him?

“I’m n-not sure? M-maybe?”

Heidi smiled at him, “That’s okay, honey. I support you, whatever you decide.”

“It’s not r-really just m-my decision though. Even if I-I want to d-date him, it doesn’t m-mean he’d e-ever want to date s-someone like me.”

Her smile fell a little bit, before rising again. 

“Oh honey,” she pulled him in to a hug, “he’d be lucky to have you. And I know he would think so too,” she had seen the way that Connor was looking up at Evan. There wasn’t a doubt in her mind that the boys were crushing for each other. But she would let them figure it out by themselves, she had already interfered enough. She pulled back from the hug. 

“So. Pizza?”

“That s-sounds good to m-me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if the chapter feels a little weird compared to the others? And sorry that it’s been such a late upload but here’s some gay shit. Told you I couldn’t do slow burn very well. I can’t promise anything for the next upload time, but there will be more chapters coming.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Idk What this is. But Connor has some very choice words to say and Jared finds this all hilarious.

**Unknown Number**  
What are your intentions towards my son?!?!?!

It was Saturday afternoon that he got this text, he had barely woken up. The number wasn’t saved to Connor’s phone so he thought it must have been a wrong number. So he just left it alone. 

A few minutes later his phone rang again. 

**Unknown Number**  
What are your intentions towards my son Connor Murphy!?!?

Okay, that was weird. Who would be texting him? Was this about Evan?

**Connor**  
Who is this

**Unknown Number**  
I thought that would have been obvious, Dickhead

Jared fucking Kleinman. 

**Connor**  
How the fuck did you get my number. 

**A Little Bitch**  
It’s on your Facebook idiot

Fuck, I guess that’s what he got for letting his mom make him a Facebook. 

**Connor**  
And why are you texting me??

**A Little Bitch**  
I already said that dumbass. What are your intentions towards my son

**Connor**  
What the fuck are you talking about

**A Little Bitch**  
EVAN HANSEN. WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS TOWARDS MY SON EVAN HANSEN. 

**Connor**  
And why the fuck would I tell you that

**A Little Bitch**  
Because I’m his guardian angel! It’s my job to protect him from punks like you!

**Connor**  
Jared. You can be described as a lot of things. Angel is not one of them. 

**A Little Bitch**   
Rude. But I’m not gonna leave you alone until you tell me what you’re planning with Evan. 

**Connor**  
Knock yourself out dude. But I’m not going to tell you anything, even if there was something going on. 

Connor decided to ignore his phone number for now. He grabbed out a notebook and started sketching. Nothing in particular, though he did think about trying to draw Evan. His phone buzzed again. And again. He continued to ignore it. Continuing on his drawing. It buzzed again. 

It was getting annoying. It buzzed over and over again. Connor couldn’t help the anger that the constant buzzing was inducing. The constant text messaging was getting on his nerves. Eventually he had to put the pencil down, his hands were shaking too much from the anger. 

Then there was a different buzzing from the phone. That motherfucker was calling him. He picked up the phone, gave the caller ID a once over, to make sure it was him. And he answered the phone. 

“WANT TO KNOW MY INTENTIONS SO BADLY?! I’m going to fuck him! I’m gonna fuck him hard enough that he can’t stand the next morning! And can’t sit properly for a week afterwards! I’ll make him get down on his knees and suck me off! Over and over again! I’ll mark him up so much that no one else will dare to look at him, because they’ll know he belongs to me! And I’ll make him beg for more! I’ll sprawl him out across my bed, and tease him until he can’t take it anymore! Until he’s begging me to cum! Those are my fucking intention!” And with that, he hung up. 

When his breathing calmed down, he realized exactly what he had said. *What the fuck was that?* He thought, *Why the fuck would I say something like that?* Sure, he had a crush on Evan, but where the fuck had that come from? He knew he was going to end up regretting everything he said. Fuck. His phone buzzed again. 

**A Little Bitch**  
You know Evan is with me right now, right?

FUCK. He quickly turned to his chat with Evan. 

**Connor**  
I’m so so so so sorry for saying that stuff. I didn’t mean to. Jared was just annoying me with the constant texting and then he called, and that happened. 

**Evan-escence**  
It’s fine. I understand. 

*What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!*

Meanwhile, Evan was having an almost complete breakdown at Jared’s house. He knew he shouldn’t have given Connor’s number to Jared. But he didn’t expect that to happen. 

“Holy shit dude. Are you hard?” 

“N-NO!!!” Goddammit. 

Evan covered his face while Jared laughed. He had just accepted his feelings for Connor. Hearing him say that stuff had been extremely surprising. And, yes, it had been arousing. But then Connor texted him, telling him that he didn’t mean it. 

Connor Murphy was extremely confusing. Or maybe it was just Evan’s confusion with his feelings?... No, at least some of it was because of Connor. Maybe it was his confusion over the time loop thing? That could definitely be part of it. 

“So...” Jared started, “you’ve got a crush on him. Sounds like he DEFINITELY has a crush on you... why aren’t you two dating yet?”

“J-Jared! We d-don’t actually know i-if he h-has a c-crush on me or not.”

“Did you listen to the same call as me? He’s definitely crushing on you dude. Go confess your feelings in the most teenager way possible!”

“W-what does that m-mean?”

“Suck his dick.”

“J-Jared! N-n-nO!”

“Suit yourself, but I think he’d be down for it.”

Evan groaned in frustration. 

“Hey, save that for Connor.”

“J-Jared!”

Jared started laughing again. He decided to send another text to the emo. 

**Jared**  
You’re lucky Evan has a crush on you. Otherwise both of your lives would be v awkward after that call. 

He hoped Connor got the not-at-all-subtle hint. He didn’t know if he could deal with them pining for much longer. He had things to do, other than getting them together. 

Okay, he didn’t really have anything else to do than get them together. But damn, this had drama and Jared needed drama to survive. Why else would he read so many conspiracy theories?

Evan seemed to be having an anxiety attack next to him though, so he decided to focus on that for now. He grabbed Evan’s hand, breathing loudly to show that Evan should follow his lead. The boy did and eventually he started to calm down. 

“You don’t have to worry so much. I have a feeling this is going to work out better than you think.”

Evan gave him a grateful look, obviously not ready to talk yet. 

“Okay. Now that we’ve got that settled, let’s go play video games!” He walked out of the room, pumping his fist. Evan followed him, silently, fidgeting with his shirt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nice job making it through that. Should I add smut though? Vote yay or nay in the comments.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sappy awkward confessions with the boys.

Connor spent the rest of the weekend in a state of panic. What the fuck had happened! Was Jared serious about that last text?! Could Evan actually have a crush on him?

Zoe banged on his door, startling him out of his thoughts. 

“We have to get to school!”

“Coming,” he called back, dragging himself out of bed. To face his fate. He dragged himself and got dressed. Then grabbed his keys and headed out to his car. When he got behind the wheel he realized just how utterly fucked he was. He had promised to drive Evan to school from now on. 

He was tempted not to do it today, avoid the awkwardness of that car ride. But he eventually started the car, and drove towards the boys house. He may have ruined any chance he had with Evan, but he wasn’t gonna punish Evan for that. 

He pulled up to the front of the Hansen’s house. He turned off the car and got out. But stopped, should he go up to the door? Should he just wait in the car? Shit, he was already at the door. He knocked, and waited. Heidi opened the door. 

“Oh hi, Connor! Are you here to pick up Evan?”

“Umm. Yeah, I am.”

“Okay. I’ll go tell him. You can wait here in the living room?”

“Yeah, of course.”

She walked towards Evan’s room, as Connor sat on the couch. The sound of their voices drifted down the hallway, but he couldn’t make out what they were saying. There was a loose string on the couch he was sitting on, he started toying with it. It started to unravel, oh shit, he stuffs it into the side of the couch as good as he can. 

Evan walked into the front room, he was just wearing a t-shirt today, instead of his normal polo. His cheeks were pink. Connor stood up from the couch to face Evan. 

“Um. I. Uh,” Connor tried to start, but he wasn’t exactly sure what to say. 

“H-Hey! I thought I-I was the one w-with a stutter,” Evan said. Which lightened the mood tremendously. 

“Sorry, Ev. Didn’t mean to steal your thing.”

“T-that’s alright. Just d-don’t do it again.”

They both chuckled at that, and headed towards the door. Connor could tell that Evan was nervous. He knew it was because of that stupid phone call. But he wasn’t going to bring it up. Any time that he could delay that conversation would be for the best. 

Once they made it to the car Connor opened the door for Evan, just to be nice. Evan blushed as he got in, he was doing that a lot today. He closed the door behind him and jogged to the other side, getting in and buckling up before starting the car. He started driving as Evan turned on the radio to find a good song. 

When he parked the car they both sat there. Not sure about what to say, not sure whether to just get out of the car and face the school. They looked at each other. 

“I-“

“So-“

They chuckled awkwardly. The whole situation was awkward. Neither started talking again, trying to let the other go first. 

There was a bang on the window closest to Evan, they both jumped at the sound. It was Jared. 

“Either get out of the car already, or make out. The whole staring thing is just awkward already.” Jared shouted. 

Connor flipped him off. Jared just laughed and walked off. They looked back at each other. 

“I-I’m r-really sorry a-about him h-h-he-“

“It’s alright, Evan. You don’t have to apologize for Jared, it’s Jared. I know I’m the one who made it awkward between us.”

“O-oh n-no! Y-you d-didn’t!”

“Yeah I did. I opened my stupid mouth and said some things I can’t take back. Sorry.”

“I wouldn’t w-want you t-to,” Evan whispered. It was so quiet Connor wondered if he had misheard. 

“What?” Connor perked up. 

“I-I w-wouldn’t w-want y-y-you to,” He said louder, he was gathering up some courage, “I-I didn’t m-mind what you s-said. I -I mean, unless you do t-then you c-can j-just ignore me-“ He was obviously getting way too nervous again. 

“Evan. You do realize what you’re implying, right? 

“Y-y-yes C-Connor.”

“Evan, you should know I like you. I mean, in more than just that way. I don’t just want your body or some shit like that.”

“W-well that’s g-good. B-because I l-like you t-too.”

They were both looking at each other. Connor surged forward, pulling Evan into a kiss. It was a messy, frantic kiss and it didn’t last long. Connor pulled back, wide-eyed. 

“I’m sorry. I should have asked it it was alright first. That was stupid of me. I-“

“Connor! Apologizing is m-my thing.”

This time Evan was the one to start the kiss. He pulled Connor in by his jacket, mashing their lips together a little too forcefully. Connor froze for a second before reciprocating the kiss. His hands went to Evan’s cheeks as he felt Evan’s hands sliding into his hair. They lost themselves in each other. Only separating for air. Eventually the bell rang though, and they broke apart. 

“Shit. We have to go.”

“Y-yeah.”

They both got out and started walking towards the school. Once they got inside they started going they’re separate ways to class. Connor stopped them though, the hallway was empty and they were probably going to be late to class already so he might as well do it now. He grabbed Evan’s arm. 

“Will you be my boyfriend, Evan Hansen?”

“Huh? Y-yeah. Y-yes! I’ll b-be your boyfriend!”

Connor let out a sigh of relief. He gave Evan a little kiss before letting go of his arm. 

“Alright. We need to get to class. See you at lunch!” He turned around and started towards his class. 

“S-see you at lunch!” Evan called after him. Today was going to be a good day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this addition of “I have no sense of time and thus honestly don’t know how long it has been since I updated it.”
> 
> So everyone seems to be for smut. It’ll probably be in the next chapter, possibly the one after that. But it will happen. Now we vote for what kind you guys would prefer, gentle slow love making, or quick and kinky with a side of feeling? Feel free to vote below!


	9. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ending! The truth is revealed! Other stuff!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to publish. I started this story when I was at a pretty good spot in my mental health, but it just dived and this is the result lol. Hope you like it anyway.

Evan barely payed attention during his classes, he couldn’t have even if he tried. Connor Murphy had kissed him, he had kissed Connor Murphy, and now they were dating. 

Just a while ago Connor Murphy had been dead, Evan tried not to think too much about that though, and now he was alive; he was better than Evan could have possibly imagined; and they were dating. Evan was just lucky there weren’t any tests, even luckier that none of the teachers seemed to notice him spacing off. Because his mind was buzzing with thoughts of Connor. And eventually he made it to lunch time. 

He headed for his locker, Connor was already waiting for him. Connor seemed to be spacing off as well, but locked eyes with Evan pretty quickly. They both smiled widely at each other, Evan picked up his pace as Connor stepped towards him. Once they were close enough to each other Connor reached forward, grabbing Evan’s backpack straps and pulling him in for a kiss. 

Evan’s eyes went wide for just a second, painfully aware of their location, before closing his eyes and melting into the kiss. Connor’s lips were slightly chapped, Evan thought they were absolutely perfect. His hand went into Connor’s hair as one of Connor’s hands moved to his waist. 

“Gaaaayy!” Someone yelled behind Connor, shocking Evan out of the kiss. Connor let out a frustrated groan, whirling around to face Jared. He was snickering behind the two. He was trying to stop laughing since Connor was glaring at him with daggers in his eyes. 

“Yeah. That is the point, dickhead,” Connor replied. 

Jared raised his hands, trying to say he meant no harm, but it didn’t help that he was still chuckling. 

“See,” Jared said, looking towards Evan, “I knew you two were gonna get it on.” 

“J-Jared!” Evan felt his cheeks heating up. Connor grabbed his arm though, pulling him away. 

“Let’s go get some lunch,” he said. Moving towards the front of the school, and his car. Evan looked back to yell a quick “See you later!” to Jared before they were out of the halls and into the parking lot. Connor’s grip had gotten tighter as they walked, but was easing up now as they approached the car. 

Connor let go to open Evan’s door. Then quickly went to his side, jumping in as well. And they were soon on their way to some fast food place. 

Connor got them some burgers, refusing when Evan insisted he paid for himself. Then found an abandoned parking lot next to some forest. They got out of the car and sat down next to each other on a patch of grass. Grabbing out their burgers and starting to eat. 

Evan ate slowly while Connor quickly got through all of his food. Once Connor was done with his portion he put the trash back in the paper bag and moved to hug Evan from behind while he continued eating. Resting his head on Evan’s shoulder. Evan leaned back against him, and felt safe in Connor’s arms. And he was falling asleep soon afterwards. 

Connor shook him awake a little while later, they had to get back to school. So they hopped back into the car, Connor threw the trash in the backseat, and they drove back to school. They parted for their classes, after Connor had made sure to give Evan a kiss, and the day went by quickly. They ended up hanging out at Evan’s house after school.

Months went by like that. With Connor and Evan becoming more and more comfortable with each other and enjoying each other’s company. They had bad days, days they skipped school on a whim because neither felt like going. 

Evan fell deeper in love each day. So did Connor. It must’ve gotten a bit too mushy for the universe, because Evan woke up in a cold sweat. And for some reason, he knew he had to tell Connor about the other timeline. He didn’t know why. But he knew in his heart, that he had to. 

But then again his heart was beating a million miles an hour so, maybe it couldn’t really be trusted. 

It was Saturday. That meant that Connor was coming over. Perfect for that nagging voice in his head. Not perfect for his growing panic attack. His mom was probably already gone for work, a look at the clock confirmed it, it was already 10. Which probably gave him an hour, maybe two, to get ready for Connor. 

He hurried to take a shower and put on some clothes. Normally he wouldn’t bother putting on something nice, going for comfort instead. But his anxiety was having none of that today. Nope, he had to dress nice. So he went trying on just about every article of clothing he possessed. All the while having *You have to tell Connor* on repeat in his head. He ended up so manic that he didn’t even notice the front door opening. 

What he did notice, was how there was a knock at his door. He flinched, dropping the shirt he was holding, and it took a second to realize it was just Connor. 

“C-c-c-come i-in C-Con-nor.”

Connor opened the door slowly. Cautiously. And walked in. He looked around the room, at all the clothing littering the area. Then up to Evan himself. Who had just realized that he had forgot to put a shirt back on. 

“Not that I don’t love the view, darling. But, is there a reason for all this?” Connor said, walking towards Evan. And taking him into his arms. 

Evan couldn’t reply, his throat wouldn’t let him. His hands were shaking, his breath quick. So he grabbed Connor’s neck, and pulled him in, kissing him quickly. Connor’s eyes widened for a second, before he closed them, and pulled Evan closer and sliding his hands up his back. Settling one between his shoulders and the other in the small of his back. Evan’s hands were in Connor’s hair, one holding his neck in place, the other combing through the taller ones hair. 

Most of their kisses had a calming effect for Evan, this one still kind of did, but Evan still felt frantic. Way too frantic, and it seeped into the kiss. Connor could feel it, he pulled back a little bit. 

“What’s wrong, Ev?” And Evan tried to respond, he really did. But that feeling in his throat wasn’t gone and he could feel stinging in his eyes. So he pulled Connor back in. Hoping to distract him for just a moment. It did, for just a minute. Until Evan brought one of his hands down to Connor’s hip. 

Connor pulled back again. Panting a little, “Seriously, Ev, talk to me. What’s bothering you?” Evan laid his head on Connor’s chest. His hands were still shaking unbelievably, tried to get his breathing under control. 

“I. Y-you wouldn’t b-believe m-m-me i-if i t-t-told you. I-i-I’m s-s-sorry.” Evan whispered. 

“Evan. You can tell me anything, sweetheart. I promise I’ll believe you, you just have to calm down a little bit.”

“N-no you w-won’t. I-I-I wouldn’t b-bel-lieve me e-either. I d-don’t e-even know h-h-how to explain it!”

Connor brought him over to the bed, sat them down on it. 

“Just do it slowly, Ev. As slow as you need.”

“I...You...” he took a minute. Trying to figure out how to start. Dammit he should’ve done this when he was waiting for Connor. 

“I.... I d-died.” Might as well take the direct route. 

“What?” Connor immediately looked alarmed, concerned, for good reason. “What do you mean?”

“A w-week a-after my g-graduation. I k-killed m-myself.” He was looking down at his lap, he couldn’t look Connor in the eye right now, he would end up sobbing if he did.

“Evan how-?”

“P-please, C-Connor. L-let me g-get t-through this... So. A-at the beg-ginning of s-senior y-year, I m-met t-this kid. W-w-well I guess m-m-met isn’t the right w-word. H-he kind of p-pushed me. Ha. B-because he t-thought I l-laughed at h-him. B-but I d-didn’t I promise. B-but then? He a-apologized, f-found me in t-the computer l-lab. B-b-but I f-f-fucked that up t-too. He read t-this s-stupid l-letter that I wrote to m-myself. 

“H-he thought I w-was making fun of him. And he s-stormed out of the l-lab. I. I n-never s-saw him again. He. He.... he k-killed himself t-that n-night. I d-didn’t e-even know u-until a few days later. W-when his p-parents came to t-the s-school. T-they t-thought that w-we had been f-friends. And t-that he h-had written his s-suicide n-note to me. 

“They a-assumed t-that we were friends. B-best friends. I t-tried t-to correct them. But they w-wouldn’t l-listen to me. S-so I. I w-went along w-with it. T-told them f-fake stories o-of our f-friendship together. H-how we w-would get ice c-cream. Or how w-we hung out a-at this o-old abandoned a-apple o-orchard. That h-he used to go to w-with t-them. I e-even m-made f-fake emails.”

“Evan-“ Connor was more than a little freaked out. What the fuck was Evan telling him. 

“I-I’m sorry,” Evan whispered, “I. I deceived his w-whole family. B-but I s-saw how h-happy the l-lies m-made them. T-they were m-mourning s-s-so much. And t-they cared a-about me. I s-saw how m-much t-they missed him. And. Oh my god C-Connor. I. I c-couldn’t stop l-lying to them. I saw how much they r-regretted. How t-they just w-wished that they c-could have their s-son back. H-her brother back. 

“I s-started lying about a-all of it. To e-everyone. I s-started this p-project? With J-Jared and A-Alana. We n-named it after him. W-well. I did. ‘The C-Connor P-Project’. I c-couldn’t let p-people forget about him. It a-also helped t-that I w-was having h-hallucin-ations about him a-all the t-time.”

Connor got off the bed. He would’ve gone farther if Evan hadn’t grabbed his arm. Evan looked up at him. He started talking faster now, he had to get it out. 

“The project d-did well. A-all of a s-sudden everybody c-cared about h-him. B-but it w-was all built o-on a l-lie. E-everything went south. I m-messed up t-things w-with Jared, A-Alana, and my m-mom. A-and I knew I had to t-tell them the t-truth. S-so I did. I-I had n-no one l-left w-who would care a-about m-me... I w-was suicidal b-before. The s-solution was p-pretty clear to me. I-I went out t-the s-same way he d-did. It w-was o-only fair, I s-suppose. 

“B-but then I w-woke up! A-and it was t-the first d-day of s-senior year again. I. I got a s-second chance. And h-he was alive! I-I could s-save him. I still w-wanted to d-die. B-but maybe if I c-could save him, this s-second chance would be w-worth it. I m-made sure e-everything was d-different. A-and I did it. I s-saved him! I b-became friends w-with him. He was s-so much better t-than I c-could’ve thought. 

“I n-never r-really expected j-just how m-much I c-could love him. Or t-that it w-was even p-possible t-that h-he could l-love me back. B-but here we a-are. C-Connor. A-and I f-fell i-in l-love with you. I r-really did. A-and you are m-more than I-I could e-ever ask for. And y-you deserve t-to k-know the truth t-too. S-so h-here I am. T-telling it to you. I’m s-sorry.”

He finally let go of Connor’s arm, and lowered his gaze back down to his lap. Connor stumbled back, till he reached the wall. He slid down it, running a hand thorough his hair and trying to process what he just heard. 

“What the fuck, Ev?”

Evan shrunk in at that. Still looking down into his lap, playing with the hem of his shirt. 

“I-I know i-it sounds like s-some f-fucked up story t-that I m-made up. I k-know that, C-Connor. B-but i-it’s real.”

“I. Evan, what the fuck am I supposed to think about that? How am I supposed to believe a word of what you just said?”

“C-Connor. I-I. Y-you s-said t-that y-you’d b-believe me. P-please. I-I just. I n-needed to t-tell y-you the t-truth.”

“How did you know about the orchard?”

“Your f-family a-asked me a-about it. T-they asked w-where we had h-hung out at.”

“And the ice cream place?”

“A La Mode?”

“How did you know the name? I never took you there. That’s a pretty far way from here.”

“Also your parents.”

“But-“

“You t-told me that I-I had a s-secret. Before we started d-dating. That y-you hoped I would share it. Do you r-remember what I said?”

“You... you said... it was... You asked if I could remember or something like that.”

“Yes. I w-was scared that y-you remembered something from t-that timel-line. I p-promise I w-wouldn’t l-lie a-about this.”

“Okay. Okay. Just. What does that make this then? What am I to you? A pity project or something? You knew I was suicidal so you decided you’d be my savior?!”

“N-no! I. Yes? I. I wanted to save because I k-knew how m-much people c-cared about you. I wanted t-to save y-you because I wanted to g-get to k-know you. And n-not t-the v-version I m-made up in my h-head. I w-wanted to s-save you, to s-save myself.”

Evan couldn’t go on at that point. The feeling in his throat returned and his tears were spilling freely now. Connor was still on the floor, head in his hands, still not completely understanding what had just happened. They stayed that way for a long while. Evan was eventually able to stop crying. Connor was able to process everything that had been said between them, and lifted his head, looking at the boy on the bed. 

“And where are we supposed to go from there, Ev?”

“I-I don’t know... Can. Can I h-hug you?”

Connor got up with a sigh, moving to the bed and standing in front of Evan. 

“Yeah, Ev. You can hug me.”

Evan reached forward. Closing his arms around Connor’s hips, leaning his forehead onto his stomach. Connor started petting Evan’s hair while he did this. And they both stayed there until they had calmed down. 

Once they were both calm they realized just how tired they were, and laid down in the bed. Cuddled up against each other. They both knew that this was going to throw their relationship for a loop. At least for a little while. But they both felt sure that it wouldn’t be able to destroy it completely. 

“I love you, Connor. More than anything.”

“Love you too, Ev. Let’s go to sleep now.”

When Heidi came home she saw them bundled up to each other in the bed. She could see the tear tracks down Evan’s eyes, but he was cuddled up so close to Connor that she doubted he had been too sad when he had fallen asleep. She was happy that those two boys had found each other. She backed out of the room and went to the kitchen, starting to make some food for the three of them. 

Heidi felt sure that Evan and Connor would be together for a very long time. *It’s like they were made for each other.* she thought. Maybe she was right. 

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops. I didn’t put any smut. Sorry for you guys who were hoping for it, I was too lazy to figure out a way to put it in. Was it an okay ending? I hope so! I hope you liked the story. I wanted to make it better. I really did. I had a lot of ideas for it. I thought of ways to extend it past this. But I really don’t think I can do it anymore. At least you guys wrong have to worry about updates anymore lol! At least I can say I finished it though. Wouldn’t want to leave you guys hanging. Bye for now. Thanks for reading.

**Author's Note:**

> I know this idea has become cliche at this point but I still love it so I decided to try my hand at it. Sorry for any mistakes, I didn’t edit all that much because if I did I wouldn’t have had the confidence to post it. Please comment if you liked it. Comments feed my will to write!


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